Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Fat Chance

Don't forget to read yesterday's post for a great product review and giveaway!

You know when I browse through the past stories and journal entries, I can't help but think I was an asshole many times. Really crass. Most of the time, those were the ones who deserved it, but if people didn't know me, they would think I was a dragon lady. I really did have a good reputation and most often dealt with everyone in a very diplomatic way. But those stories were pretty boring. The ones where I was an asshole, really seem to be more entertaining. So, no worries, I won't repeat the boring ones. But here is one I had forgotten about...

While I was in town today, I drove to my family doctor's office. There was something that has been bothering me and lately I had a good friend tell me to stop fiddle farting around. So in I went. I was met by Bertha Badass at the reception desk. There she was... in all of her 300 pound glory, her pasty white sausages of arms greeted me as she crossed them when I entered. She was dressed very classy and was also sporting eternal bitch face. I think they put her at the front desk for a reason.

[Yes, this is politically incorrectness about to continue]

(Bertha) Can I help you, honey?

(ME) Yes. I would like to make an appointment please.

(Bertha) Oh, do you have that nasty bug that's been going around? We could fit you in this afternoon. The doctor has some room here. And if not, if you don't mind waiting a little, she will get you all fixed up.

So I told her...No, and gave her all the symptoms I was having...yada, yada...the dry cough I can't get rid of in the last 6 weeks... the lump I found on my arm...the mole next to it that doesn't look right...and then I told her I was suspecting cancer, but if they could just cut the lump out of my arm and send it off to the lab...that it would probably be benign and I would be all better. And besides the dang thing is starting to hurt. I was pretty dramatic.

(Bertha)Well, we could get you in on April 29th at 3.

(ME)  *blink*  * blink*

I literally could die of all the diseases on WebMD by then.

(Bertha) Dear. Did you hear me? April 29th at 3.

(ME) What happened to this afternoon?

(Bertha) Oh, I'm sorry. I was mistaken. Looks like the soonest is April 29th at 3, dear.

[LIAR! Those are saved openings for special occasions. Every doctor does it.]

(ME) I was hoping to get this taken care of sooner. I don't want it to get worse.

[You know, maybe I shouldn't have said the CANCER word because the frickin' virus from hell must be more important, since they can get people in right away for that. Maybe I should fake a heart attack.]

(Bertha) Nope. We are all full. Maybe you should schedule with your gynocologist.

[^%#$*#(*$*_#)(*+Q. Are you shitting me?]

(ME) [raising my voice a little]Look, ma'am. My BOOBS are fine. Perky and happy. My HOOHAH is super spectacular. If you want, I will show you right here and now. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO CUT THIS FRICKIN' LUMP OUT OF MY ARM. OK. IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING, BUT IT WORRIES ME. I don't think anyone needs to make me ride the gyno pony, shove a cold piece of metal up my hoohah or squish my boobs in a vice to cut a stupid lump out of my arm. I would just like to please have an appointment sooner.

*crickets* And I mean these crickets were chirping in Africa and I still heard them.I don't think they grow crickets in Africa. Well, maybe. I heard they were a delicacy.


(Bertha) You don't have to talk like that in here. There are other people in this waiting room.

*me gritting my teeth*

[Listen, Bertha Badass, just lean a little closer to me and I will pull your ass over this countertop and give you a piece of my mind. Just do it. I dare ya.]

(ME) I'm sorry. I would just like you to check if there is an earlier appointment. You can check your records. I don't come to the doctor. Ever. So if I do...I'm serious.

(Bertha) I am not going to look you up. [Glancing back at the appointment book]

(ME) I have insurance and money. Whatever you need.

(Bertha)[gives me the stink eye] Are you trying to bribe me?

(ME) Oh, no, mam. [Hell, yes, lady]I'm just saying.

Then, my worst nightmare happened. Someone recognized me. And called out my name. And came over to me at the reception desk. She sort of looked familiar but I couldn't pin point it.

Then she said, "I was a juror on your last homicide trial. You know that one where that guy was shot like twice with a shotgun."

(ME) Oh, yes. How are you?

(Former Juror) You were so awesome and so stoic in court.

(ME) *big smile* Thank you. And thank you for serving on the jury.

She smiled and then went back to the sofa in the waiting area.

Oh, and, yes, I was going to use this to my advantage. I turned to Bertha Badass and said with a cheesy smile..

"He totally deserved it. And they let me out."

(Bertha) How about April 13th at 3 pm instead, honey?

(ME) I will be there. Thank you.

Yeah. Ok. Not my finest moment. But at least I negotiated down 16 days. That could mean life or death.


Allenspark Lodge said...

I must have missed this one.

See, now THIS is why I love you.


Old NFO said...

ROTFLMAO! Yep, that is 'using' the system...

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
All I can say after THAT is:
"Welcome to national health care aka the ACA".
Nice play with the whole juror gig, too...lol.

I do hope you can get taken care of sooner and maybe by someone w/o the "Harpy from Hades" at the front desk.

Roll safe down there, Kiddo.

Cheryl said...

I say, If you get an opportunity use it.

What is it about that doctor's offices generally have a bitch for a gatekeeper. My daughter walked into a women's clinic that had a big "Walk ups welcome" sign on the door because she was due for a mammogram and thought she might get one. The lady all but yelled at her.

Coffeypot said...

So, did you have Cancer or did you die? If you do, will you leave me the shotgun you used? I like shotguns. No aiming required.