I drive through a couple of the sections each day to work. Lately, I've been driving my g-ride gangster style in low-riding fashion which consists of ducking down when I go through those parts and then increase my chances of survival by stepping on the gas. Not really. But I have thought about it.
I surely don't want to break down in those "parts". They are rough. It's funny how the busiest streets and highways sometimes zip through the worst parts of town.
Recently, I just got out of some government hot water. Let me relive it in words...
I happened to be shopping for groceries and as I was exiting the store, and fumbling with my keys, I was grabbed from behind and placed in a black van. I really don't remember how I got from point A to point B. I wonder if anyone noticed my spilled groceries in the parking lot? Or did anyone see my abduction? Probably not. After all, who pays attention these days.
Anyway, when I woke up I found myself in a cold dark room with minimal lighting. In fact, I think it was attributed to those pesky fluorescent lights because they were flickering off and on and annoying the heck out of me.
I scanned the room and it was apparent I was in an interrogation room.
But what kind? And was it over my taxes? I filed them. It was nice to get a refund, even though it was going to be very small. But I surely haven't gotten anything back and we got our W2s on January 3rd. Talk about speedy service. Crazy. But the IRS...no bueno. In fact, the government now holds the refunds a lot longer if you are poor. It's a new tax law pertaining to EIC and Childcare with kids. Bug doesn't go to daycare, but I did qualify for EIC. Thanks, Obama.
It wasn't long and the door opened. I squinted and recognized the person coming into the room.
"Wow. Is the government going to kill me with kindness?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they sent the nicest person in the White House in here to talk to me."
"Well, I wanted to clear something up before the big guns came in here. You are in some hot water, missy."
"Can't imagine why unless my mouth got away from me."
"I want you to look at this picture I am about to show you and you tell me what it's about."
She threw down a printout on photo paper. I looked at it.
"No. No. No. I want to talk about your Twitter comment."
"Hey, I was just joking. My moment on Twitter. You know? I went viral. Then everyone stole my idea and got credit for it. I was the first one who tweeted it. You just sounded a little Sean Spicer there. Do stomp when you say "no", however. That will be more like him. But then I would start to wonder if you are Melissa McCarthy. I did preface my tweet by saying you were beautiful and intelligent, but why did someone dress you like a nutcracker."
"I've heard this about you. You talk in circles and confuse everyone and then they confess. Or you get off the hook because no one understands what you just said. Yeah. That was so rude. It went viral. Everyone talked about it. It made me almost tear up. Am I fat?"
"What? No. Why would you ask me that? You are skinny and adorable. "
"You said I was a little like Melissa McCarthy."
"No. I did not. Go back and read my comments."
"Ok. I will."
"Kellyanne. We are talking. There are no visible comments! It was a figure of speech. A joke."
"I...uh...Oh, right. Very funny. I will go back and rewind later. Well, I want to talk to you about your hair. Mine is looking so dried out and frizzy. What do you use?"
"Oh, well, the cheapest Suave money can by which is because I am dirt poor. You see, I follow it up with the matching conditioner. It's really cool. They come in sets. It costs about $3.00 total. I do have some Argon Oil which I put in my hair too. That helps. Then it is a blow out and flat iron or curling iron to make shape of my mess. When I use the curling iron, I have to douse it in hair spray so the curls stay. I use Suave hairspray too. Cheap. But good."
"Thank you. I have been dying to know. That cheap stuff really works? I don't know if I could spend less than $200 on shampoo and conditioner. I might have to poor Suave in my Oribe bottles. That way, I wouldn't face criticism. Since we look so much alike, I thought I would take this opportunity to get the facts."
"You are welcome. You should probably not tell people what brands you use. You have to be totally neutral. Like vanilla. But don't say you like that either. You don't like anything. You don't endorse anything. About your hair, though...You know, part of it might be stress. I mean, you are under a lot of pressure and I feel sorry for you."
"Oh, thank you. At least someone understands. The PRESSURES! Oh, it is so tough. But I have to hold my head high. I don't understand why an innocent little comment about Ivanka's great fashion designs got me in so much trouble. I mean. Do you realize that Trump had to scold me as did others in his cabinet. He said if I fucked up again, he would put me in the nasty woman category. Then my assistant shook her finger at me. But the press! I literally felt they were burning me at the stake."
"Yes, I see how that might have gone down like that. It's like Salem all over again."
"Cigarettes? No, I don't smoke. Well, good luck. They will be in shortly."
I sat there for about two minutes and then the door burst open, hitting the wall.
"I bet you weren't expecting me."
"Well, you got something right for once.What do I owe this pleasure?"
"You are in some big trouble. Wretched girl. You might not make it through this with flying colors like you usually do. Quit staring at me like that."
"Whoa. You look so old in person. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Television really hides a lot. Has anyone every told you this? You know, Christie Brinkley makes an anti-aging skincare line that you might want to try."
"Are you fucking kidding me? You are going to sit here and ridicule me? Not a chance."
"It was just an observation. So why are you here? Are you secretly being appointed to the president's cabinet and this has all been an act? That would be some trick. Not really that surprising though."
"Over my dead body."
"Well, it looks like that already happened."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, you kind of look like you died already. The walking dead. Which...I might add is a great show. I think it might be reality tv, but we don't know it yet. So back to you. I mean, so many wrinkles. Is that from stress or frowning?"
"I will not have you talk to me like that you minuscule vermin. The peasants shall be kept in their place. I want you to stop blogging about me and making fun of me. You say some hateful things. And they are all lies. That's all I have. And another thing...Fuck you, Fargo. Fuck you."
"Well, Hillary. First of all, I don't think you and I have a snowball's chance in hell of intermingling like that."
"What? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You suggested we have intercourse."
"What the fuck? You are fucking high."
"No, actually. I have never gotten high in my life. You said it. You are it. First to smell it."
"Did too infinity."
"Gawd, you are such a fucking bitch. Wenchly woman. You win! You win! I can't stand you. You better watch it. People can do missing. I know."
"Somehow I pictured you to be more eloquent when you knew you were being recorded."
"What? Are you recording me? Give it to me now! Is it in your ear? Do you have it planted in your bra. Give it to me!"
"No. Hey. Stop touching me there. I'm gonna tell on you. I'm not recording you. They are."
I pointed to the ceiling where a camera was mounted.
"What? What the fuck. Well, I am going to fix that. These people. You can't find good help anywhere. They should know better than to record me."
She then stomped off and left me hanging there with no answers. The door burst open again. This time I was pretty shocked. I had really done something bad. I was about to eat crow or my foot or retract something I had done or said. Would I be on the news looking old and beaten like Hillary? I hope they don't put me in jail...
"Fargo. We need to talk. I don't know who let that nasty woman in here, but she is gone. Such a loser!"
I grabbed his hair and pulled really hard. Then I pulled on his face and flicked his lips.
"Ouch! What are you doing? Omarosa! Omarosa! Take care of this nasty, nasty woman, will ya?"
"I don't think she can hear you."
"She isn't here."
"Wow. You are right. I forgot I haven't found a cabinet position for her yet. I will have to work on that. I can't forget. I realized long ago she is much better my friend than foe. What a temper on that one. Why did you touch me? You know, I get persecuted just for talking about even touching a woman. Everyone wants me. Either in bed or my head on a platter. I am so popular. Everyone wants to be me."
"I'm sorry. I just always wanted to see if that was real or a toupee and then I thought maybe you were really Alec Baldwin and this was SNL. As for you and pussies...well...I don't even want to go there. It's too controversial and I think we all made mistakes in our lives. You had a different approach back then. I have said some really bad things. Only not in front of Howard Stern. Neither have I ever gotten naked on his show. America will thank me for that. And for the record, if you touch my privates, I will so bring out my ninja skills."
"SNL. What a terrible, terrible show. I will keep my hands to myself. They are small anyway. A woman wouldn't even notice. I don't know what the big fuss is all about. I won't even ask to meet you in the Oval Office or wear a blue dress. But I do need to know if women today still use the word "privates", so when I word things, I am speaking on their level."
"See. That's part of the problem. You have us on levels. We can't all be Ivanka. I mean. She really is perfect and classy and refined. Some of us are rough around the edges but then it doesn't make us dumb and it doesn't mean we are cheap and easy. By the way, I would do it for $200,000."
"Let you grab my pussy."
"Sean, Sean? What do you think?"
"Don't answer that, Mr. President. Just move on. No, no, no, no, no. There was no offer. There was no question. No, no, no. Abort!"
"Ok, Sean. Good advice. You don't have to hit me with your papers. I'm not a reporter. So, Fargo, what brought me here today?"
"Yeah. I'm pretty sure I don't know the answer to that. Is that a trick question?"
"Hmmm. I don't know. It could be. I might have to phone a friend. Not a Russian one, though. You can't be friends with the Russians. It's OK to be friends with Islamic terrorists, but not the Russians. And Putin is such a nice, nice guy. I guess I will have to research that and get back to you on why we are here. Meanwhile, what do you think about the things I am doing? Pretty YUGE, right? Big league changes. Like marvelous. Really, really good."
"Well, I have mixed feelings, but nothing has scared me yet. I do still laugh at the uproars. Apparently no one is watching the stock market. Thanks for that. My IRA is doing really, really good. Big league. Bigly? Anyway. Why am I talking like you? Part of that snowflake syndrome just entertains me. They get really mad at the word snowflake. Snowflakes are pretty. But anyway, back to my opinion. If you do something alarming, then I might not be so lackadaisical about things. So far you are stirring up some hate toward you. I worry about that because civil unrest is dangerous. But you haven't done anything super crazy in my eyes...except hire Bannon. Do you know he is a serial killer? He might be conservative, but he is creepy. Look at his eyes. The Queen would say his eyes are bad. I think it was wise you dropped the travel ban thingy and didn't move it forward to the Supreme Court."
"Queen Victoria thinks Bannon is a serial killer? Dreadful. He is such a nice, nice guy. Anyway. The judges are disgraceful. You think I did the right thing? Am I great? Was that a surprise? Wait. Why is that? I think they are doing a terrible job, by the way."
"Yeah, No. No on Queen Victoria. The Queen as in Queen Judy. Most judges are not terrible. They really aren't. Maybe a little on the liberal side sometimes, but overall mostly fair. Did you read their remarks? Sure, they didn't rule on the one statute. That was for a reason. To run it up the chain. They didn't want the burden of this big decision. They are ruling on the side of caution. First, whatever the Supreme Court would have decided would have been a landmark ruling with case law which could have affected future presidents forever and ever amen. I mean it could have gone one way or the other to really limiting executive power or giving carte blanche to all presidents. Both situations would be very, very bad. You were wise to stop. That decision would have been scary for our country. It is better to have a case by case decision and leave it still unchallenged in the Supreme Court."
"Yeah. I never thought of it that way. Good to know."
"And I really am glad Flynn is gone. I didn't like him."
"Yeah. He was a real boob, wasn't he? Do you think some of these people I trust are really out to undermine my agenda?"
"Yes. But I think several are really just out for themselves. I think you are not always a good judge of character, but a good job of skills and knowledge. I am not sure where Flynn landed in that perspective. And the media do not need to worry why it took more than a split second to ask for his resignation. Give all the benefit of the doubt and investigate a little. But no. You are now being criticized for taking too long."
"Yes. The media is really, really evil. I don't like them. They are like poison. Fake news. Really, really bad. You have some interesting points. I have been following you. I don't Tweet about it because I think it is good to keep the spotlight off of you. You could blog about things and give me some ideas, though. And then I could act like it was my idea. Do you think I could count on you for that?"
"Well, how much do I get paid?"
"I will talk to my people and get back to you. In the meantime, some other people want to talk to you. I will tell them to be gentle. In a non-sexual creepy way of course. Really, really mean it. You are really, really nice. "
"Hey, Mr. President?"
"I'm not nice. Don't ruin my career. I am vicious. I am a badass."
"Well, I can't talk about body parts. It gets me in trouble. See you, Fargo."
"Wait. Mr. President?"
"Can you stop tweeting. Control your Irish temper. That ginger in you is real, right? I can even show it in pictures. See this suggestion?"
"Are you going to use this on your blog? Who did that? That doesn't even look like me. Really, really bad. And cones go on a dog's head. What does it even mean?"
"See you around, Fargo. I am going to get to making America great again."
"Mr. President! Mr. President?"
"Yes, Fargo. Hurry up. My burger is getting cold. They make these really nice burgers for me. And they are buzzing me. I'm taking too long. My plane is about to take off."
About Betty DeVos..."
"She is a nice, nice lady. Gave me thousands."
"But I think..."
"Shh. I don't want to hear it. Let her do her job. Wait and see. If she crashes and burns, I have replacements. I have been watching Sesame Street. There are some great educators on there. I've got my people looking at some people."