Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Tuesday, June 27, 2017


Sometimes journal entries are random silliness. Behind the scenes, cops are super immature and riddled with sarcasm. On this day, I had just returned from a long vacation. It was a planned one, not one mandated by the administration which we fondly call administrative leave. Those are bad. This was good. 

Things were shaking up at the House of PoPo whilst I was away.

The physical fitness test has been modified. Yes. It is still mandatory. Yes. It is still Olympic standards. However the Chief took away the punitive part of the testing. No termination and no flagging your jacket and disqualifying you for promotion or new assignments if you failed.. Those are big deals. I'm somewhat relieved. I did pass the last test, but it was not easy and I have passed all the others. Did I have fun and was it challenging? Yes. But it did cause some anxiety at my age.

I think our department is about retention right now. We are losing veteran officers to other jobs, not other law enforcement agencies, but other careers all together.

Getting back in the swing of things has not been a very nice cup of tea for Fargo. It's like jumping into rough waters without your life jacket or looking forward to a nice cup of coffee and getting handed decaf. Seriously.

For instance, Squirrel pulled over a psycho. This call was challenging to some, not me, but some. I have no problem communicating with crazy people. Not only was he over 260 pounds, wearing plaid pajamas and sporting pink hair, but he was on top of his car jumping up and down like a monkey and screaming.We really should be able to live stream some of these things.

Instead of getting my bitch on in 2.2, I just gawked in silence. I am not sure if I was in disbelief or waiting for him to fall through the roof. Occasionally I would look back at Squirrel. He was giving me the gentle shoving signs to get my bitch on and show this guy that the PoPo were not going to allow this shenanigans.
Simulated image and fake stunt man to show dramatization

Why? Why interfere? It was entertaining. I didn't want to stop the behavior. He was damaging his own property so who cares! He was mad at himself for hitting a tree with his car and it was late morning. Afterall, the whole neighborhood was getting a freak show free of charge! And then I thought, maybe he should not be driving in the first place. But you can drive while crazy. It wasn't drug induced.

Was I a failure as a public servant? Well, I surely didn't see it that way.

I decided to get the information from the other passengers and pass it along to Squirrel for his accident report. Information like name, address, date of birth, phone number, etc. After I was finished being the perfect little assistant backup Queen, I then gave him the paper:

SQUIRREL: What does this say? Janazapan?

ME: Jackson.

SQUIRREL: This is terrible. What happened to you?

GRAFFY: What's wrong with her handwriting? I can read it.

ME: Yeah. Me, too.

SQUIRREL: What's this? Slobbermahanalink?

ME: Middle row backseat. Lincoln. Geesh.

GRAFFY: I would have never complained. You can read mine, I can read yours.

ME: Thank you. That is why we work the same area and are partners. Harmony!

SQUIRREL: I think you lost your PoPo magic while you were gone. What is this? Willbdrivahanagan?

ME: William. Backseat behind driver.

GRAFFY: I could read it perfectly.

SQUIRREL: This is terrible. Why don't you guys go work your magic on that dude with the pink hair?

OFFICER WOJO: This dude is nuts. Did you see the front of his car?


ME: George of the Jungle.

SQUIRREL/WOJO: *blink*blink*
Not this hot of a George

ME/GRAFFY: Watch out for that tree! ( in stereo) 

ME: High five!

So GRAFFY and I reaffirmed we had not lost the magic aura we shared..working the same area, knowing how to mesh as area partners. We were in cop bliss thinking on the same page.

SQUIRREL: [big sigh] Could you go help that crazy guy? I'm lost with him.

ME: Why? He will run out of steam. The average fat person can only last on crazy at full speed for two days and 2.5 hours. Then they peeter out.

SQUIRREL: *blink*blink*

GRAFFY: It's true. Venting at Mach 7 is actually good for the brain waves and it later boosts creativity and reproduction.


And then it snowed. Life was perfect in Antartica again.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Ode to Jeff

This one brought some tears to my eyes. Captain Jeff Atkinson has since passed on from complications of cancer in 2014. He was just 48. Great man. He was a joy to work with and was always there serving the public in a way you knew he put people ahead of himself. I can only think his passing on 9-11 was something reminisce of his dedication.

I was sent to a lockout with a 3 year old in an Acura. Let me tell you about Acuras. First, I want one. Second, you can't break into them even if you are a master burglar. I shit you not.

Arriving at Perkins, I found a very distraught dad who had locked his keys in the car with it running and the 3 year old in his car seat. He also called his wife and told her what he had done. She was at their home in Colorado.

I thought she was going to kill him through the phone. I strongly advised how you handle women is that you call them after the fact and tell them everything was all good now, not during the crisis. I gave him this advice.

It took 4 firemen, me, a locksmith, and grandparents to break into the Acura and rescue junior. And let me say...that took 2 hours. There was no immediate harm in temperatures to the little guy so we did not just break the window. We were trying to preserve the kiddo and the car. A twofer we call those.

I was not in my normal area on this day.

The distraught dad was beside himself, beating himself up-not literally, but figuratively, and very worried. We tried to keep him and his son laughing while the FIREMAN did surgery on the Acura.

I was just there for moral support because I already informed them they took our Slim Jims away because of liability. I could only break the window with my ASP which was not well received. Since the air conditioner was on, we didn't worry about the health of ACURA KID, just him being scared and bored.

He was a great kid. And didn't cry once. I entertained him through the glass. It's what cops do when the firefighters are around. We dance and tell jokes.

After it was all said and done...we had to stick around for another hour because the Acura ate the burglar tool and we had to take the door off.

Then distraught dad made a discovery.

One discovery I learned many years ago because I was looking in the right places. You can't help it. It's like those Victoria Secret sweatpants, only for firefighters. Bunkers have words.

DISTRAUGHT DAD: Oh. You guys have your name on your pants.

ME: Yep. Note the location.

DISTRAUGHT DAD: Yeah. Why do you suppose it's there of all places? [laughing]

JUST JIM: *blink*blink*

ME: They just want more attention. They can't get enough as it is.

DISTRAUGHT DD: You have the same name as my son. Look, son, this nice fireman has your name.

JUST JIM: Uh. That's actually my last name, sir.

DISTRAUGHT DAD: Oh. Well, I guess you aren't as cool as I thought.

ME: [laughing] Good one. High five on that.

JUST JIM: [big cheesy grin]

FIREMAN JEFF: [laughing] Someone needs to keep him on his toes. Great wit.

So we played with the little guy who was rescued. CUTE kid and an adoring firefighter fan. I got a high five, though.

ME: Give me five. You are one brave guy for staying in there and not crying. And you tried to get yourself out and worked really hard.

ACURA KID: Yeah. [gives me 5]

FIREMAN JEFF: Come on, let's slide down the hill.

WTF. Another hero story where the firemen outdo the popo. Why didn't I think of that? Oh yea. Grass stains.

So...JEFF took ACURA KID up the hill and they slid down the hill. I told ACURA KID who scooted down the hill as JEFF flew past him that JEFF had cheated because he was wearing bunkers. ACURA KID then got to use JEFF as a sled. I mean, seriously? Is that even fair?

ACURA KID got to check out the fire truck and hit the sirens. That really lit up his face.

Then he moved onto my g-ride which did not impress him. It was a slick back undercover.


To him, there was something wrong with it, it wasn't a real cop car. No matter how hard I tried to convince the kid that it was the super cool secret sorta undercover cop car, he wasn't buying it.

No wonder firemen are the heroes. Bigger is better. Especially in trucks. Oh, well.

DISTRAUGHT DAD: Do you have kids, Jeff?

FIREMAN JEFF: Yes. I do. An 8 and a 5 year old.

DISTRAUGHT DAD: Oh. I could tell you were great with kids.

FIREMAN JEFF: Yeah. They are at home with their mother.



ME: [laughing]

GRANDPARENTS: [laughing]

FIREMEN: [laughing]

DISTRAUGHT DAD: Yep. [red embarrassed face] Look, son, FIREMAN JEFF thinks he's funny.

ACURA KID: He is funny, daddy.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

The Narc Ark

Here are some not so pretty memories. I wrote them all down even if I wasn't always in my finest moments. Sometimes, I was downright disgraceful. Like these moments when I was going through my divorce and trying to run a business and go to work and be a mom and run a place all by myself. I came to realize after months of trying, that I could not do it anymore.

I reported to my FTO sergeant that I was having problems staying awake as the passenger while training. When I drive, I am fine. When I ride...it's like rocking a baby to sleep. Especially...if we have a lull in crime. SQUIRREL and THE ROOK have been good about it and try to help me stay awake. Despite business checks, training exercises, and traffic stops...there are seconds in between where I just collapse.  I even told Sarg I might have narcolepsy.  Self diagnosed.

My new uniform sleeping chamber

THE ROOK: You were funny. You can sleep and still carry on a conversation.

ME: Awesome. I am so proud of myself.

THE ROOK: When I was typing my report, I asked  you if you spoke to that woman on the last call. You said, "Yeah. I spoke to the woman at the counter. I got her statement."

ME: Nice.

THE ROOK: Except we never were at a counter. We were outside in the yard.

ME: Thank God.


ME: I didn't remember being at a counter and if I told you I talked to a woman at the counter, I didn't remember a thing. I was starting to get very concerned about my sleep problem. Like I was sleeping while out there with citizens. Yikes.

THE ROOK: [giggling] You were sleeping and dreaming. In the Tahoe. And talking. Funny.

ME: *blink*blink*

THE ROOK: It's OK. I got your back.

ME: Yeah. But I don't have yours. I am getting pissed. I think it's the vehicle. The Narc Ark.


ME: Narcolepsy vehicle. The Narc Ark.

THE ROOK: *blink*blink*

I feel like Carl

THE ROOK: [hits me] Hey. We have a prowler call.

ME: Ok.

THE ROOK: I tried waking you up by going to 60 mph and then braking. You didn't even wake up.

ME: Super. Beat me.

THE ROOK: I tried that too.

ME: No, I meant this is killing me. I hate feeling like this. I hate falling asleep. It's to the point I need to drive and that isn't going to do you any good for training. Sleep or no sleep at home. It doesn't make a difference. It's the passenger in the car thing. And boredom. We have had eerily quiet nights.

THE ROOK: It's OK. I just think I'm Morgan Freeman driving Miss Daisy.

ME: You're white.

THE ROOK: Yeah. It's pretend.

ME: Nice.

Singing in my sleep

THE ROOK: You know what?

ME: What?

THE ROOK: I was watching you sleep while I wrote my report. You were reading that training manual and you fell asleep.

ME: Ugh. I am getting so mad at myself.

THE ROOK: You are so cute when you sleep.

ME: *head*dashboard*


THE ROOK: Look at you! Rockin' the pony tail today. I have never seen you with a pony tail. Only the high and tight up do.

ME: Dude, are you the fashion police?

THE ROOK: [Big cheesy smile] Nope. Just wondering if that will help you stay awake.

ME: *blink *blink* You are beating me at my own game. Now I know I am losing my powers.

THE ROOK: What powers?

ME: The force. It's not with me anymore.
Are we there yet?


ME: Oh, sorry. Forgot that show was before your time.

THE ROOK: Are we talking Harry Potter?

ME: *blink*blink*

Monday, June 12, 2017

Comey Is Not A Homie

So did you watch Comey testify? I did.

Did it enlighten you?

It did me. Some things were good. Some things were concerning. I tried to look at it with a neutral filter as a moment to get some truth. I don't know if the oath means anything to politicians and muckety mucks.

I didn't see any "smoking gun" to bring Trump down, but what did concern me were a few things:

1. Loretta Lynch's statements to Comey need to be investigated.
2. The smug attitude of Comey, like he felt he was David bringing down Goliath type smug were really bothersome.
3. Any of his testimony did not prove obstruction in my book, but I'm no expert.
4. I felt it actually helped clarify the frustration Trump was having with Comey not going public about no investigation into the president, but I also understand his position. However, why can't they just come out and say, "there is no investigation at this time." That leaves it open so you don't have to correct.
5. I saw Comey in a different light. I thought he was very stoic and honorable before. In the hearing I thought he lost a lot of credibility being a leaker and a snake. This disappointed me.
6. I also thought his statements about "if I were a stronger man," to be fluff. Come on, we hired a namby pamby as an FBI director? I don't buy it.
7. He seemed kind of flippant at times. That bothered me.
8. I saw both truthful expressions and liar expressions in his body language.
9. I think he really has a lot of disdain for the president.
10. I think he was justly fired.

11. I watched the entire hearing and I think the news watched something entirely different. Their reporting of it was atrocious and false. If you hadn't watched the hearings and relied on the news. Oh boy.
12. Comey looked at the hearing like a time of revenge, but also had a duty. It was a conflict even I saw and at one time, he did admit he was biased because he was fired. It was a humorous moment. I could see why the senators thought he was a good and honorable man, but had problems with some of the things he did.

I'm just kind of really disheartened about everything. I think the deep state exists. I think no matter if Trump did good or bad, there are so many out there to undermine him, I don't know if he would really have a chance.

And he does need to stop tweeting random shit and negative crap. If he just keeps it positive about his visits and speeches, then that will be nice. I think he feels his voice isn't heard, but what he forgets is those Tweets are hostile and don't help his image at all. In fact, it really tarnishes any good he might be doing when he pops off. He needs to shout it at the wall and then NOT memorialize it forever. I don't think he wants to go down as the craziest president around, but he is doing a good job with those tweets.

I think the media is really scary and they have turned into a manipulative monster...much more so than I ever thought.

Those are my takeaways.

Friday, June 2, 2017

The New Hans and Frans

Remember SNL's Hans and Frans? It's fake. People aren't like that really. This is the cop version of the show. 

I stumbled upon a journal entry from patrol days. Drug addicts in the later stages of their lives are not purty. There is no other way to describe them except for what is observed. Drug addiction is not pretty either. In fact, it is horrendous and painful for the person and everyone associated with them. The below story is very real in trying to draw a picture of the smells and sights in front of me. And ode to the best frequent flyers, "One-Eyed Susan" has since passed on.

My sergeant and I respond to a family fight which took us to two addresses. Suspect and victim. They were separated prior to the call which was a good thing. That way we were not in the middle of a domestic and they had time to cool off.

Walking my way to the suspect's house, One-eyed Susan (not like the flower), I was preparing to speak to her. Upon approach, I saw a car blacked out and parked caddywhompus on the sidewalk with two subjects slumped down in the front seat. Now, the family fight turned out to be bogus, so these fellers were a must see. My attention got diverted. The Popo can't ignore criminal activity afoot or acar.

We snuck up on them and I shined the light into the car. They started the engine. Perhaps they thought they would make a fast getaway.  I was about to slam my flashlight on their car and tell them to STOP when the car died. Thank God for jalopies. But it was sad I didn't get to have a foot chase involving a car. I might have beat this one.

The two were fumbling around in the car, putting things under the seat, and shaking like leaves. This is what we call a CLUE.

So, after I told them to sit up in their seats, I immediately recognized them as Frick and Frack...a couple of old dopers. When I say old, I mean one is 40's and the other is 60's. That's old for a doper.

They both have been in the dope business for over 20 years. After talking to them for a while, we both realized the shaking like a leaf thing we observed in the two men was probably meth induced. And they had secretly (well as secretly as they could muster) stuffed a bindle of meth into a pack of cigarettes and it was sticking out of the package. I do have observations skills, especially when it is right in front of me.

So, the Sarge asked, "What's in the cigarette pack?" 

No response. In fact, an awkward and.long pause of silence ensued. We asked them again. Nothing. Not even a word. The two appeared stumped. This was captured on video...see snapshot below:

Sarge asked, " Who's cigarette pack is in the console?"

Both responded that it wasn't theirs and they didn't know to whom it belonged. I told them they both had the same kind of cigarette in their hand and were smoking them. I found it odd. They looked at their cigarettes and said, "What? Huh? Oh, we borrowed these." 

Egads, this was going to take all night. 

So, we asked them if it wasn't their cigarette pack, could we see it? 

Long pause of silence. No response. 

We asked again. They shrugged their shoulders. 

Frick said, "Well, it isn't mine, so I don't know. " 

Frack replied, "Not mine. Don't know anything about it." 

So I thought I would razzle dazzle them with logic and said, "Well, if they aren't yours, then you don't mind if I see them?" 

Frick puzzled, "Well, I don't care. Frack, it's your cigarettes. Do you care if I give 'em to her?" 

Frack panicked at Frick's response but continued, "They're not mine.Go ahead." 

Frick handed the cigarettes to me. And yes, it was a bindle of meth. Ta da!

So, while I was examining the cigarette pack, my Sarg asked them how they were doing which was just conversation starter "ice breaker" type chit chat. 

Frick told us he was doing swell, just celebrated his kid's first birthday.

I broke out in song..."Stop the music..."Did you say 1st? As in your kiddo is one years old?"

Frick said, "Oh, yeah. We just had a party." 

Me thinks to myself...yikes...and then this visual pops in me head:

I know. It was a mean thought, but when you see the environment and parental species, you don't think of regular cute babies.

Egads. I needed to focus on my dope bust. 

We moved away from small talk and asked them what they were doing in that particular spot. 

Frick volunteered, "Oh, we came to party with One-Eyed Susan." 

The two ended up getting arrested. We couldn't let a felony meth bust just go by the way side. In the middle of Miranda (not a girl...but a declaration of rights), One-Eyed Susan showed up. She focused on my Sergeant and we were all aware of her infatuation and she loves him. He is the apple of her one eye. Ack! I know. Mean. Cops are cynical and means sometimes. It keeps us sane or something. 

One-Eyed Susan is very vocal, always making a fuss. It's her nature. We are used to it. She was really upset her two party men weren't going to take her out on the town. 

Now, she is not a spry young thing either. According to Susan, they were going to "get it on". Lord have mercy. I'm guessing the boys had to take some Viagra (meth) before the party. I didn't want to know and I didn't ask and I surely should not have had that visual in my head. 

In the car, Frack and I talked about the party. He told me that meth makes him last for hours and he can have wild, crazy sex and he can't help it. Imagine the things cops learn in the patrol car. It's like going to the beauty shop only better.

I told him I have heard that before but the after effects were not worth it. 

"Like what?" 

I said, "Like jail, like losing your teeth, your hair, your wits. Like it makes you brain damaged, causes permanent schizophrenia, makes you stupider (that is a word), and scabs form, you see bugs, you lose your job, you become a crack ho, etc. Do you get my picture?" 

"Well, yeah, but that one time..." 

I said, "Like that one time in band camp ....when the cop busted my stupid ass before I could get it on... and now I'm going to the pen...and I have Bubba stuck up my ass kinda time?" 

Frack said, "Well...yeah...I guess." 

"You guess?" 

Well, the conversations only got better. And at the jail, it was like old home week. The old jailers remembered Frick and Frack on their first bust 20 years ago. And they all yucked it up. Fun was had by all except Susan. No One-Eyed Susan orgies. Today, we prevented another Frickle or Frackle from entering the world and taking after mom and pop. Drugs and crime are generational and taught in the home. Sometimes we can save one child or a child saves themselves. But it really is a sad deal.  It's a war out there.